2chan Says the Darndest Things Vol. 20

Volume 20 of “2chan Says the Darndest Things”!

[Sad News] My Old Man Is An AKB Otaku…

I found 5 handshake tickets in his car… I pretended not to have seen it… It’s a nightmare… All of the handshake tickets were for Komori… I want to die…

I think that’s good news.

Shut up, idiot. I’m a Komori oshi.

I’m an old man too. I became a Paruru wota recently.

Of all people… Komori…

My daughter found pictures of Kashiwagi Yuki and Maeda Atsuko that I was hiding. She ignores me now. My wife is cold to me as well. I wish I had a son who was a wota.

I found out that my dad is a Nogizaka wota. He likes the captain so his tastes are normal.

I caught my old man watching the “Everyday, Kachuusha” PV. He usually says, “I hope this group disappears”.

It’s better than finding your dad’s porn.

My dad is 51 and his oshimen is Ego Yuna. Got a problem with that?

I’m an old man with kids! I hide my handshake tickets in my car!

How To Get Friends To Become AKB Wotas

Hypnosis.

Weaken them mentally.

Bring Paruru.

Go to a theater performance.

My friend became a wota a month after I lent him the “AKB1/48” PSP game.

Take them to a handshake event. There is no way they will not become a fan after handshaking.

Just show the documentary.

Show them a picture of tgsk.

Whisper “Akicha” into their ears when they’re asleep.

Show them AKBINGO! Shoujiki Shougi and Muchaburi Dodgeball will get people hooked.

Introduce them to a cute female wota.

Things That Would Happen To The AKB48 Police Department

Ex-Harugon destroys 4 patrol cars.

Kojima Haruna is supplied a shorter mini-skirt than everyone else.

Detective Takahashi tries to get the culprit to confess to the crime but she ends up crying.

Detective Sashihara is transferred to Fukuoka but still participates in investigations in Tokyo.

The police dogs are all toy poodles.

Akimoto Sayaka’s SWAT training is too rigorous for anyone else to keep up with.

Things You Would Have Liked To Have Seen Implemented In AKB1/149

You get dumped for dating 14 girls at one time.

A realistic game mode where no one calls you.

If you date all of the older members, Ohori Megumi shows up as an unlockable character.

Your oshimen dates a guy besides you and leaves the group.

A mini-game where you have to carry your date to their house. If their butt is exposed, game over.

Akimoto Yasushi warns you.

Togasaki asks you out.

If you leave a girl alone after getting to know her, she leaves for China.

A hardcore mode where you confess to 149 girls but only one will accept you.

A Janken Tournament for your affection occurs.

If you’re not careful, the members you reject will stab you.

The members find you really creepy and you get a game over.

If management finds out, game over.

If you dump all of the AKB members, you get Nogizaka.

After you date all 149 members, Akimoto Yasushi comes out and appoints you to be the new producer.

If They Released Car Navigation Systems Featuring Voices Of AKB Members

Kojima Haruna: Probably a right.

Shawako, I can’t hear you!

Kasai’s sexy voice: You might get a nice surprise, if you turn right…

Shimada: WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? TAKE A RIGHT!

Akimoto Yasushi: If the road splits into two, take the more difficult path.

Milky: I don’t really know so lets take a break.

Things That Would Not Happen At AKB High School

Acchan never slept in class.

Kasai is always on time and has never been absent.

Matsui Rena is the center of attention.

No one fails a grade.

Harugon attends class quietly and seriously.

Smartest girl in class is Kobayashi Kana.

Loudest girl in class is Hata Sawako.

Quietest girl in class is Shimada Haruka.

Yuko is embarrassed while changing for gym class.

“Oh man, Shimazaki-san is so good at everything.”

Kizaki Yuria and Yagami Kumi battle for the best grades in school.

Co-ed.

Warning: If You Were To Keep AKB Members As Pets

Hata Sawako: Usually a nice, quiet girl but will yell from time to time.

Shinoda Mariko: Your role will switch with her in an instant if you are not careful.

Maeda Atsuko: Do not giver her alcohol.

Shimazaki Haruka: She will not do anything.

Oshima Yuko: She will take off all of her clothes. Make sure to keep her in a warm environment.

Akimoto Sayaka: Please keep her in a very durable cage. She will break it open if it is weak.

Milky: Please let her chapuchapu everyday.

Uchida Mayumi: Do not take her out in the mountains or an area with rocks. She will blend with the surroundings and make it difficult for you to spot her.

Ishida Haruka: She will not listen to you.

Matsui Rena: She will be alone most of the time. During that time, give her some anime DVDs or models of bullet trains and she will be stable. Also, feed her melon pan everyday.

Kojima Haruna: Do not keep her in bird cage. She will remember her past and her personality will change.

Kinoshita Momoka: She will be covered in blood from time to time but it is just paint.

Fujie Reina: She will have different clothes everyday so please have a large closet ready.

Matsui Jurina: If you show favoritism towards her, she will be mad. Please treat your other pets equally as well.

Yamada Nana: Her crying voice is a bit weird. She will say inexplicable things from time to time so please do not scold her. Even if people around her are young, don’t call her, “old hag”.

I Don’t Want This AKB

Singles are gangsta rap.

All the members are in love with the producer.

When all the members take their masks off, they’re all Chikano.

If you go into your oshis booth during a handshake event, Chikano is there instead.

They don’t shave their armpits.

None of the members have any reaction to surprise announcements.

All of the members are dating.

Matsubara, Chikano, and Nakata are subject to gori-oshi.

More than 1/3 of the senbatsu members are pregnant.

48 groups are created around the world and a world war erupts when all of the countries fight for the election.

Kawaei has a tattoo.

All of the OG members do not graduate and the average age of the group becomes 35.

Akimoto Yasushi worries about the wallets of fans who buy too many singles.

They all have d*cks.

11 thoughts on “2chan Says the Darndest Things Vol. 20”

  1. i love this! just can’t wait until i’m not such a noob anymore and can get all of the references

  2. This might work. Show them AKBINGO! Shoujiki Shougi and Muchaburi Dodgeball will get people hooked.

    I like this idea.
    If you date all of the older members, Ohori Megumi shows up as an unlockable character.

    1. I showed a college professor who teaches TV history clips of AKBingo (Shoujiki Shougi and Muchaburi Dodgeball ) and explained why America TV variety shows suck ass.

      The bits about the Older Gen liking AKB and hiding their handshake tickets & getting caught- lol. So it’s ok if you’re a salary man to get wasted & hang with escorts but not ok to shake a 18-20 year olds hand and says thanks for the pretty songs??

  3. Did anybody else die at “Akimoto Yasushi: If the road splits into two, take the more difficult path”??????? LOLLLLLLLL
    And yes, the best volume so far.

  4. Show them a picture of tgsk.

    lol

    Whisper “Akicha” into their ears when they’re asleep.

    lol when they wake instant Akicha oshi.

    Show them AKBINGO! Shoujiki Shougi and Muchaburi Dodgeball will get people hooked.

    This is actually something I’ve done with family members.

    Akimoto Sayaka’s SWAT training is too rigorous for anyone else to keep up with.

    PSH that’s how it’s done.

    Meetan showing up in 1/149 and dating Togasaki should be DLC. XD This was a really funny entry. I enjoyed reading it.

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