2chan Says the Darndest Things Vol. 25

Our very own Dave, community member Vu, Greg and Hiro of Selective Hearing also known as the “Japan 4” have landed in Japan to take part in some handshake events. Volume 25 of “2chan Says the Darndest Things” is a handshake-centric one to give them and you guys tips when you go to a handshake event!

I Have No Social Skills. Teach Me How Not To Fail At A Handshake Event.

Teach me. I just failed miserably. I should not have gotten fifteen tickets. I got super scared.

Talk about school, other members. Talk about something that doesn’t require your input.

Pretend you’re a foreigner and speak in broken Japanese.

You can’t screw up one ticket.

“It sure is hot today. Suuuuuuucks.”

You should just not go to handshake events.

If you say, “This is my first time shaking your hand”, the members will do all the talking.

Don’t say anything and just go to Watanabe Miyuki and Suda Akari.

Just make small talk. This isn’t just about handshake events but in daily life as well. It’s all about enthusiasm.

Just cosplay. You don’t have to say a word.

If your handshake fails with just one ticket, it’s the member’s fault. If your handshake fails with multiple tickets, it’s the wota’s fault.

How are you screwing up in the first place?

Basically, “Hello, erm, um, you know, um, ah? Ah wha”. Member is left clueless and I get pushed away.

Thanks to handshake events, I can talk to women!

What’s with all the trouble? When I use multiple tickets on one member, I usually tell them how cute they look and the member acts embarrassed and starts talking. <-Thanks, ikemen.

This happened at a Takahashi Juri lane:

Me: Um… I’m rooting for you… *mumble mumble*(I don’t remember what I said after that).

Juri: Huh?

Me: Um….

Juri: … M-Merry Christmas!!!

Go to Paruru. It’s more of a failure if you actually communicate well with her.

Dudes That Spend An Entire Day At A Handshake Event

It’s impossible, you’ll be dead tired.

I have to because my favorite members are in the morning and afternoon.

I keep an eye out on the open lanes with my binoculars. <-That’s super creepy, so stop it.

If you’re a student, don’t go to handshake events and try making a girlfriend. <-I have girlfriend in the form of my oshimen so no need.

A girlfriend where you pay them to touch their hand for a few seconds.

Tell Me Stories Of When You Failed At A Handshake Event

For future reference.

4 years ago, I went to Shinoda and mimiced her “air ocarina” and she got weirded out because she thought I had saliva on my hands.

I had to do a penalty game where I had to tell Kojiharu, “I love you, Kojima-san!” and after I said that she chuckled once with an awkward smile.

A member told me, “you have a soft voice”.

All I could do was stare at Mayuyu so I forgot to shake Miyupon’s hand.

I went to Tomochin’s lane. A guy in front of was wearing a school uniform and I was also wearing my school uniform. She thought we both went to the same school even though the uniforms were different.

Oohori Megumi remembered who I was at her last handshake event and told me I had a weird face. Kinda depressed.

I went to Kojiharu with my 6 year old son. She leaned over to greet my short son and I got a really good look at her cleavage. My son in my pants grew.

If You Go To A Handshake Event, Do All Members Look Cute?

Do they look different from regular people?

Shinoda had an aura.

I fell in love with Akimoto Sayaka.

The air around Kanon was sparkling.

Myao is actually smaller than I thought.

Memories From Your First Handshake Event

I got a salty handshake from Harugon and got super depressed. Then I got fished by CinDy.

I had fun talking to Kuramochi about baseball.

Nyanyan’s hands smelled nice.

Milky was so cute lol.

Togasaki’s hands were huge.

I thought I would be in line forever for a senbatsu member but there was no one there and that made me feel weird.

My first handshake was with Kojiharu and I was so nervous that I interrupted her and kept on talking and before I got pushed away by staff, I ran away.

Rena’s hands were more manlier than I thought.

I got in the wrong lane and my mind went blank when I went for the handshake.

I failed with Yuihan. I thought Mariko-sama was a goddess. I failed with Yuihan again. I thought Akimoto was a goddess. Then I failed with Yuihan again. Ripopo was calming. Conclusion: Yuihan is my oshimen but I can’t come in contact with her.

I saw the two shot of my smiling self with Kojima making a heart shape with our hands and I died.

I was so worried about failing that I talked the entire time during the handshake and I ended speaking way too fast and the member said, “what?” and my mind went blank.

I don’t know why but I apologized to Oya.

My first handshake was with Shimada.

Me: I saw you on Majisuka. Team Hormone!

Shimada: It was Fondue…

Me: orz

I Didn’t Go To Events For 3 Years As A Fan And I Finally Bought Handshake Tickets

I’ve been lurking 2ch since “Gomenne, Summer” and I’ve been having fun without spending money. Now, I will be going to an event.

Whose ticket did you buy? It better not be Kaotan.

You waited 3 years for Kaotan?

It’s not Kaotan. It’s Sayanee, Maachun, and Maitake.

Make sure you shake the hands of the staff too. Be mindful of manners.

Make sure when you hand the ticket to the staff in the booth, you yell your name at the top of your lungs. Everyone is doing it. If you try to go into the booth, you’ll be thrown out by the staff.

Please report back on your failures.

Don’t forget to bring mints.

My breath will be fine! I’ll brush my teeth at home and only drink mineral water until it’s over. What should I talk about the first time?

“Nice to meet you.” “I’m rooting for you.” “I have one more so I’ll see you later.”

Be mindful of your smiling after you shake hands.

The Result Of A Terrible Talker Going To A Handshake Event

The member looked at me with judgemental eyes. I hate myself.

Did you go to a high difficulty member?

You don’t have to force yourself to go.

Pretend you’re from a foreign country and you’ll be fine.

Make sure you look at them in the eyes when you talk to them.

I hear people who don’t speak very well are like that because they don’t want to make a fool of themselves.

One time, all I could do was stare at Akarin. In the end, I managed to squeeze in, “like tsunami”. She laughed when I said that. That is the only thing I said that day. I want to die.

If it’s your first time, go to Suda. If you tell her it’s your first time, she will kindly take the lead. <-What is she, a prostitute?

4 thoughts on “2chan Says the Darndest Things Vol. 25”

  1. Suda Akari is to handshake events what Rommel was to tank warfare, it seems.

    How much is a handshake event ticket and what is the normal wait?

    1. Theater editions cost 1000 yen. I’m not exactly sure what the wait time is. I know each block is a certain amount of time so they have to do the handshake within the block. Dave should be answer with more specifics.

  2. The wait will depend on the member. For most members the wait isn’t too long, maybe a few minutes. But for the most popular members it can be a bit longer. The longest I was ever in queue was slightly more than an hour. (Ironically for Suda) But that was for the Sayonara Crawl event where everyone had a billion tickets. If you strategize well you can do a lot of handshakes per slot.

  3. Thanks for the answers, guys. I was expecting the price, but the wait is not nearly as bad as I expected.

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